The letter below is part of our series featuring letters from authors to their teen selves. Today's guest is Andrea Torrey Balsara, whose newest book The Great & the Small comes out in September 2024 and is now available for pre-order.
Dear Teenage Me,
How I wish I could give you a hug right now. You feel like you’re worthless, like you’re a mistake.
Those things you think are signs of being crazy—the bulimia, acting out, chasing after guys that treat you like dirt, thinking about suicide all the time—aren’t signs you’re crazy. They are signs of the trauma you’ve buried.
Even though you can’t remember what happened when you were five, when someone you trusted hurt you, it made a huge impact. It was like a bomb going off. The five-year-old you felt so ashamed, so afraid people would find out “what you’d done” and wouldn’t love you. You did the only thing you could—you buried the memory so deep that even you forgot.
I know how much you’re struggling with wanting to die. You think you’re so worthless that you don’t deserve to live. I hear what you call yourself. You call yourself a “loser,” “unlovable,” “disgusting.” You see ugliness when you look in the mirror. You push people away so they can’t hurt you. You’re hiding, pretending to be strong, to not need anyone, but inside you have felt alone for so long.
I see the real you, and there are a few things that I want to say:
You are worth loving. You are worth knowing. In your heart, you know the truth. Trust yourself. You don’t need anyone else’s approval—everything you need, you already have within you.
Let people in. If you push them away, they’ll never get to know who you truly are. And you will never get to know them. There are so many good people in the world who are worth knowing. Let them in. Let yourself be seen.
You are not alone. Many have faced what you are going through and have found a way forward. You will too. Help will come, both seen and unseen, when you least expect it. The universe has your back.
The journey is worth it. All these tears that you cry? They are making space in your heart for joy. You will discover amazing things about yourself and life that will be truly wonderful.
Trust your inner wisdom. It’s guiding you to safe shores. That quiet inner voice will help you navigate who you can trust, and who you can’t; when to move forward, and when to wait.
Life takes time to unfold. One day you will look back and see that your struggles were worth it, like the butterfly that struggles out of its cocoon to strengthen its wings, and then takes flight.
Be patient. Little by little, you will find your way. Beyond the darkness and self-doubt, you are waiting. The real you. Little by little, you will learn to ride the waves of life.
So, breathe deep. Sink your toes into the summer grass. Raise your arms to the sky, letting the light flow into you, and trust that all will be well. You are safe. You are meant to be here. Just like the trees, and the grass, and the blue sky. You are good enough, just as you are, and you always have been.
Before I sign off, I want to say how proud I am of you. Somehow, I know that this letter will find its way back to you and plant a seed of hope in your heart. You will feel my arms wrap around you, holding you tight.
Thank you for staying alive, hoping against hope, and walking bravely through the night.
You are loved.
Andrea
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